Once upon a time I used to be this individual who’d literally go begging behind people, trying to mend broken friendships that were toxic because the fear of being a lone wolf was greater than the burden of a draining relationship. But it just dawned upon me that in the past few months, I let go of many different bonds as they were above and beyond toxic and contributed on a major scale to the deterioration of my mental health. I realized that though I am still a broken mess, I have indeed come a long way in certain other aspects of my life.
The growth is happening, but it is happening so very slowly and I’m going to have to be very, very patient in order to see the results. I know that I won’t stop being a broken mess overnight. I know that I’m still going to have massive breakdowns, but the difference between before and now is that now I know that even if I cry for hours and go to sleep with swollen eyes, I will be okay the next day, and if not the next, then the day after.
In the past few months of not having any friends, in the very literal sense, I have come to realize a few stuff. One, it’s so much better to have no friends at all instead of being stuck with someone who is either toxic or just draining to be around. Two, in the past I used to always try to be someone else or change myself just so that I could fit in with people, and not trying anymore to fit in with a bunch of people who are so very different from me felt so very liberating in a manner. It felt like a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders because I didn’t have to watch what I said or how I behaved or anything of that sort. I was just by myself and didn’t have to go through the whole ritual of being judged. Three, it’s saved me from going through a lot of pointless frustration because the people I tried to fit in with were on a very much different wavelength than me and just trying to have a basic conversation with a group of them would leave me annoyed, and now I’m spared that extra dose of annoyance that I never had the time or space for in my life. Four, being someone who is overly sensitive & emotional, I used to get hurt a lot by the little things people did or the way they spoke or the moments of ignorance, and that used to be break me in different ways whether it was inducing anxiety attacks or contributing further to my insecurities etc, and now that I’m no longer part of that environment, I’ve realized that my insecurities have decreased by a great degree.
Basically what I am trying to say is that if people around you are toxic, or draining or just not your type, don’t push yourself to fit into that particular group or change yourself just so that you have friends. It is so much more important to have the right friends than the wrong friends because having friends in your life who impact you negatively rather than positively is so very harmful for your mental health. Hence, it’s okay to be alone, it’s okay to not have friends.
One more thing about this whole rant is when I mention people being toxic, or them being draining or different, I don’t mean they’re bad people. What I mean is that their personalities end up clashing with your personality which ends up having a negative impact on you and maybe even on the other person. Because in the past I know that my presence has been toxic for an individual or so and it’s not because I am a bad person. It’s solely because our perspectives on life, our manner of thinking, our behaviors, our lifestyle, our sense of humour, etc, are so very different on a major scale. It’s not like those minor differences that can be resolved or discussed, it’s more like our personalities aren’t even on the same spectrum, they are on totally different spectrums and hence we just don’t get along. We just end up being bad for each other, and that is why it ends up being a toxic or draining friendship. On an individual basis none of them are terrible, it’s just we were never compatible as friends and that is the only thing I am referring to when I talk about toxic or draining friendships.
~Azraa. R 🖤